Its weird, deep down inside I waited for this moment, I stood there paitiently waiting as timed passed, like a tiger who hunts for its prey..they wait patiently and leap out at the right time..."the nick of time" as they say to nab their prey. Not so subtle eh? But dont worry Im not in a hunt well not in a hunt that kills and there is no prey so to speak. But I waited to see when can I make my move. waiting as the years passed, even moving on. but always had them in sight, just in case. My only problem is letting anyone know about anything. so far just a few. But even that is too much...the less that know the better. Food for your thought, food is preserved by when you freeze it. Duh...and this best kept under wraps. What can I say I better just keep my mouth shut. and continue waiting. Not making to many sudden steps so I wont be figured out. and not saying much so I wont get caught. I rather like this whole idea of solitude. It gives life an even better meaning..Don't you think so?
(Originally written on Monday, January 01, 2007)
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
hmmmm
What can be said about me? What can I say about myself that you already don't know....obviously you don't know much about me, but you are reading this so that means that you are interested.
I'm just tired, tired of belly-aching, I'm tired of this deja-vu I have been sunk in. I'm tired of your feelings not reflecting the truth....I'm tired of not seeing you, tired of not hearing you, tired of not being able to be with you. But you will never know about those feelings, you will never know about what its like to feel like this, because you are still learning about your life, and obviously not now , but much later you will know about them, and how they turn your whole life around..and it makes you never want to look back, you have gone so far, why turn back now, if so much work has been done already.
But what can I say, as now I decided that I am not worth anything to you. Or maybe I am just not worth your time, Don't I mean nothing to you? My mistakes and errors are permanently sketched on me before your eyes, you will never see past that. you will only see flaws, you have blinded yourself to truths and reality. No that isn't fair for me to say.
You just blinded yourself from me. You choose not to see what was before you...and thats fine...it was your choice to make, it was your God given choice...we are allowed to make as many free choices that we want in this world,....and I have made mine to move on.. I regret doing so...I wish I never did, because I still have hopes for you....for us.....I know I will never love someone the way I loved you....I just pray that I will learn to love someone so much and even more so that what I felt for you. It pains and confuses my soul....but I know I can't let you wound me anymore. Maybe you knew when you did or maybe you didn't...I don't know... You thanked me for small things, things that I would have done for strangers. And for you I would have done so much more. ....what purpose did this had on my life?....why did I meet you?....what was God's plan?......and how did I miss it?....... I will go to bed now. I just wish I would wake up from this horrible dream.
(originally written a while ago)
I'm just tired, tired of belly-aching, I'm tired of this deja-vu I have been sunk in. I'm tired of your feelings not reflecting the truth....I'm tired of not seeing you, tired of not hearing you, tired of not being able to be with you. But you will never know about those feelings, you will never know about what its like to feel like this, because you are still learning about your life, and obviously not now , but much later you will know about them, and how they turn your whole life around..and it makes you never want to look back, you have gone so far, why turn back now, if so much work has been done already.
But what can I say, as now I decided that I am not worth anything to you. Or maybe I am just not worth your time, Don't I mean nothing to you? My mistakes and errors are permanently sketched on me before your eyes, you will never see past that. you will only see flaws, you have blinded yourself to truths and reality. No that isn't fair for me to say.
You just blinded yourself from me. You choose not to see what was before you...and thats fine...it was your choice to make, it was your God given choice...we are allowed to make as many free choices that we want in this world,....and I have made mine to move on.. I regret doing so...I wish I never did, because I still have hopes for you....for us.....I know I will never love someone the way I loved you....I just pray that I will learn to love someone so much and even more so that what I felt for you. It pains and confuses my soul....but I know I can't let you wound me anymore. Maybe you knew when you did or maybe you didn't...I don't know... You thanked me for small things, things that I would have done for strangers. And for you I would have done so much more. ....what purpose did this had on my life?....why did I meet you?....what was God's plan?......and how did I miss it?....... I will go to bed now. I just wish I would wake up from this horrible dream.
(originally written a while ago)
can it wait
its weird, deep down inside I waited for this moment, I stood there paitiently waiting as timed passed, like a tiger who hunts for its prey..they wait patiently and leap out at the right time..."the nick of time" as they say to nab their prey. Not so subtle eh? But dont worry Im not in a hunt well not in a hunt that kills and there is no prey so to speak. But I waited to see when can I make my move. waiting as the years passed, even moving on. but always had them in sight, just in case. My only problem is letting anyone know about anything. so far just a few. But even that is too much...the less that know the better. Food for your thought, food is preserved by when you freeze it. Duh...and this best kept under wraps. What can I say I better just keep my mouth shut. and continue waiting. Not making to many sudden steps so I wont be figured out. and not saying much so I wont get caught. I rather like this whole idea of solitude. It gives life an even better meaning..Don't you think so?
(Originally written on Monday, January 01, 2007)
(Originally written on Monday, January 01, 2007)
so I have been writting about you
I think this kind of sums it up for me.....about you...and about me...about us.....
ARTISTS CAN'T LOVE
You can't squint to observe.
Stand close toward the shade.
These Triangles and Squares.
Make me want to misbehave.
An Exhibit with no frame.
Just left to hang for years.
When all I'm used to are unfinished paintings.
Not dealing with their tears.
And I cant make it out.
Which ever way I look.
Because it all just reminds me.
Of the night our bodies shook.
White Canvasses are starving.
And finding Inspiration, all just seems to much.
But Baby Im an artist.
And I don't get out that much.
To Galleries of whisper.
It's all a critics' choice.
And somehow all I try to say.
Gets lost within my voice.
Some things are hard to picture.
Others harder to do.
But what I find quiet easy.
Is finding love.
For you.
Originally written on Tuesday, January 02, 2007)
ARTISTS CAN'T LOVE
You can't squint to observe.
Stand close toward the shade.
These Triangles and Squares.
Make me want to misbehave.
An Exhibit with no frame.
Just left to hang for years.
When all I'm used to are unfinished paintings.
Not dealing with their tears.
And I cant make it out.
Which ever way I look.
Because it all just reminds me.
Of the night our bodies shook.
White Canvasses are starving.
And finding Inspiration, all just seems to much.
But Baby Im an artist.
And I don't get out that much.
To Galleries of whisper.
It's all a critics' choice.
And somehow all I try to say.
Gets lost within my voice.
Some things are hard to picture.
Others harder to do.
But what I find quiet easy.
Is finding love.
For you.
Originally written on Tuesday, January 02, 2007)
Well today has been another day in the chapter of my life. How many stories have we heard that begin like this? How many movie quotes sound similar to that?
well today I was listeing to some interesting stories over the radio. One of a 80 year old man, whom in order to find company opened his house to prostitutes. The whole story before you jump out your seat to bash the poor man, starts out in of course his town, he is a war veteran and a retiree. His house is located in the lower east side. A place which a few blocks from it is a hot spot for prostitutes and avod drug users. His house was constantly being broken into, nothing eve stolen because he had nothing worth stealing just a large rare book collection. this man decided to open the doors to some hookers in order for them to stay out of the cold. This started a "beautifull" friendship. They never stop coming over infact they never stop coming. In the end ew learn that he just wanted company but didnt want to leave his independence, to a nursing home or to his sister in florida. The house in chambles this man continued living there. in uncomfort he found comfort. His house got so bad he stopped going to his 2nd floor because it was so dirtty, yet more and more hookers came in with "johns" and drugs and did their business upthere. He didnt want that imagery in his mind so he stopped going. whats the point to me telling you this story which ends up in him having the city of N.Y. condeming the house getting him out and into a hospital. Is how comfortable he allowed himself to get in the midst of pure trash, not the hooker sin themselves but them in his atmosphere. not only that, but to seek a way out of solitude he allowed himself to befriend such wretched people. Yes I know they are himans too and they have feelings and hopes. But is this what he had to resort to in order to escape solitude. teh man never married. I then tirn the page of my thought and look at my self. How comfortable I allow myself to get in sutuations, that I never really push myself out of them. Out of not having the job I want out of not making enough money to pay all my bills. I then thought about my solitude. Lets work past the weather I am lonely and lone bit, because I know the difference and this isnt about that. Its more about my feelings. Where have my feelinsg come that I just fall for what ever woman may come by. I compared myself to this man as how he befriend whoever came by. Do I fall for a woman for her looks or for who she is inside. I have meet many many woman that have caused my eyes to look twice, because I cant belive of how beautifull she truly is, when in reality not many people find them sttarctive. but then I have meet many many woman whom I find attractive and have been nothing but headaches in my life. I can never have the best of both worlds, but then I can never unerstand having to be attarctive to someone and at the same time be with them because you can stand the,. you know what I mean? Today I passed with a friend of mine by a place where I though someone worked. ....inside I saw this guy kissing and higging this girl. This girl resembled someone in particular, and my heart dropped. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I keep snaking a peek, until I realize t wasn't her. I thne realize that I have some pondering to be doing...DO women ever like someone for their looks or just their character. or their manlyness?
What purpose does a man pursue in order to attarct, and what comfort have ai fallen myself into that my heart continues to follow after someone who doesnt appreciate who I am or what I have done. What lowered standards do I follow. Must I raise my standards? or should I just learn to accept that I have been placed under a spell. a spell tat may never be broken, a spell that could just drive me to madness and a secluded life. Another story I heard today also got me thinking. Teh boy pretty much gotint college and half way thru the semester he stop gong to class just worked and smoked weed. moved out with hi s gf and lived in this place called crisco. longs tory short it was until he was almost raped and a hirricane hit his place that he realized that he threw so much away. Not only that what was he going to do next. I related to this on one thing and one thing only.....What am I going to do next. Im no where. no Im not going to be raped and no my place hasnt been hit by a hurricane, But my career has been raped by my laziness, and my cash hits a hurricane everytime I have to pay a bill. What is my nest move going to be., When will I stop living comfortable? What will need to happen in order for me to make that step in my life that will get me out of this rubbish life.
Has it happened already? was my listening to these stories God's way of telling ,e shape up? I dont knwo I dont knwo where I am going to be tomorrow and I Dont know how am I ever going to find someoen who will want to be with me and love me......I know something must be done and my standards must be raised and my life needs to get of the bed, and get to work. ... I still havent said whats in my mind...but more will come tomorrow, fo rnow I havew to get to bed.....If you are reading this....I am glad I didnt held my breath for you but at the same time My face is turning blue .......
(originally written on Saturday, February 03, 2007)
well today I was listeing to some interesting stories over the radio. One of a 80 year old man, whom in order to find company opened his house to prostitutes. The whole story before you jump out your seat to bash the poor man, starts out in of course his town, he is a war veteran and a retiree. His house is located in the lower east side. A place which a few blocks from it is a hot spot for prostitutes and avod drug users. His house was constantly being broken into, nothing eve stolen because he had nothing worth stealing just a large rare book collection. this man decided to open the doors to some hookers in order for them to stay out of the cold. This started a "beautifull" friendship. They never stop coming over infact they never stop coming. In the end ew learn that he just wanted company but didnt want to leave his independence, to a nursing home or to his sister in florida. The house in chambles this man continued living there. in uncomfort he found comfort. His house got so bad he stopped going to his 2nd floor because it was so dirtty, yet more and more hookers came in with "johns" and drugs and did their business upthere. He didnt want that imagery in his mind so he stopped going. whats the point to me telling you this story which ends up in him having the city of N.Y. condeming the house getting him out and into a hospital. Is how comfortable he allowed himself to get in the midst of pure trash, not the hooker sin themselves but them in his atmosphere. not only that, but to seek a way out of solitude he allowed himself to befriend such wretched people. Yes I know they are himans too and they have feelings and hopes. But is this what he had to resort to in order to escape solitude. teh man never married. I then tirn the page of my thought and look at my self. How comfortable I allow myself to get in sutuations, that I never really push myself out of them. Out of not having the job I want out of not making enough money to pay all my bills. I then thought about my solitude. Lets work past the weather I am lonely and lone bit, because I know the difference and this isnt about that. Its more about my feelings. Where have my feelinsg come that I just fall for what ever woman may come by. I compared myself to this man as how he befriend whoever came by. Do I fall for a woman for her looks or for who she is inside. I have meet many many woman that have caused my eyes to look twice, because I cant belive of how beautifull she truly is, when in reality not many people find them sttarctive. but then I have meet many many woman whom I find attractive and have been nothing but headaches in my life. I can never have the best of both worlds, but then I can never unerstand having to be attarctive to someone and at the same time be with them because you can stand the,. you know what I mean? Today I passed with a friend of mine by a place where I though someone worked. ....inside I saw this guy kissing and higging this girl. This girl resembled someone in particular, and my heart dropped. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I keep snaking a peek, until I realize t wasn't her. I thne realize that I have some pondering to be doing...DO women ever like someone for their looks or just their character. or their manlyness?
What purpose does a man pursue in order to attarct, and what comfort have ai fallen myself into that my heart continues to follow after someone who doesnt appreciate who I am or what I have done. What lowered standards do I follow. Must I raise my standards? or should I just learn to accept that I have been placed under a spell. a spell tat may never be broken, a spell that could just drive me to madness and a secluded life. Another story I heard today also got me thinking. Teh boy pretty much gotint college and half way thru the semester he stop gong to class just worked and smoked weed. moved out with hi s gf and lived in this place called crisco. longs tory short it was until he was almost raped and a hirricane hit his place that he realized that he threw so much away. Not only that what was he going to do next. I related to this on one thing and one thing only.....What am I going to do next. Im no where. no Im not going to be raped and no my place hasnt been hit by a hurricane, But my career has been raped by my laziness, and my cash hits a hurricane everytime I have to pay a bill. What is my nest move going to be., When will I stop living comfortable? What will need to happen in order for me to make that step in my life that will get me out of this rubbish life.
Has it happened already? was my listening to these stories God's way of telling ,e shape up? I dont knwo I dont knwo where I am going to be tomorrow and I Dont know how am I ever going to find someoen who will want to be with me and love me......I know something must be done and my standards must be raised and my life needs to get of the bed, and get to work. ... I still havent said whats in my mind...but more will come tomorrow, fo rnow I havew to get to bed.....If you are reading this....I am glad I didnt held my breath for you but at the same time My face is turning blue .......
(originally written on Saturday, February 03, 2007)
Tan Solo Tu
Solo tu Me has hecho sentir haci y Es cuando pienso de ti....
cuando me haces morir..... cuando te dejo de oir. Cuandos tus labos me dicen adios Y cuando enganchas el telefono es cuando paro de oir a mi corazon palpitar........
Porque me gustas de todos modos
de cada lado y perspectiva tu
si tu me faltas se me hace un nudo
no respiro me duele el corazon
porque no pides que te perdone?
Y si me abrazas no te cansas de jugar
asi consigues que muera un hombre
con la inocencia de pudor que no tendras
Tan solo Tu
(originally written on Wednesday, April 18, 2007)
cuando me haces morir..... cuando te dejo de oir. Cuandos tus labos me dicen adios Y cuando enganchas el telefono es cuando paro de oir a mi corazon palpitar........
Porque me gustas de todos modos
de cada lado y perspectiva tu
si tu me faltas se me hace un nudo
no respiro me duele el corazon
porque no pides que te perdone?
Y si me abrazas no te cansas de jugar
asi consigues que muera un hombre
con la inocencia de pudor que no tendras
Tan solo Tu
(originally written on Wednesday, April 18, 2007)
Ever Wonder
I'm just wondering, about those times when you meet people......what affect it has in the world ?...Well more like in your world. Where do the planets align and where to they collide? Where and when did things go wrong? Why and how did you manage to Fuck things up? How and where will you make things up? How did she at one point meant the world to you and where in that time line did she manage to become your worst enemy?
Is the bed where you two will meet and make peace? or will it be be lost at the touch of that kiss? Can you two ever combine words without emotion and somehow come out on top of your game? and on top of that manage to show how much you feel for her and the same time show her how much you didn't meant to hurt her? Will she ever forgive or ask you to forgive her? Will she ever hug you and stop playing with you?
You find her so beautiful but she still hurts you......When do you meet someone else, how do you know that she would ever respond the same way? What can you do to convince her that being with you will be not just a walk in the clouds but also a walk on ground. not an empty hand caressing her, but a man loving her? How do you check yourself before you repeat yourself?
How do you know she won't hurt you? Ever notice a pattern? In you ?........In her?....Ever wonder how you will get out that cycle? Where in the midst of your fights does your heart stay together and when do they spread apart?
Can you ever love enough to see her die? Be by her side as she fades thru time? Would you ever get that rock? slap her some skin hug her goodbye and surprise her with a? Hey girl BTW Do you mind doing me the honor of ...............................
Is the bed where you two will meet and make peace? or will it be be lost at the touch of that kiss? Can you two ever combine words without emotion and somehow come out on top of your game? and on top of that manage to show how much you feel for her and the same time show her how much you didn't meant to hurt her? Will she ever forgive or ask you to forgive her? Will she ever hug you and stop playing with you?
You find her so beautiful but she still hurts you......When do you meet someone else, how do you know that she would ever respond the same way? What can you do to convince her that being with you will be not just a walk in the clouds but also a walk on ground. not an empty hand caressing her, but a man loving her? How do you check yourself before you repeat yourself?
How do you know she won't hurt you? Ever notice a pattern? In you ?........In her?....Ever wonder how you will get out that cycle? Where in the midst of your fights does your heart stay together and when do they spread apart?
Can you ever love enough to see her die? Be by her side as she fades thru time? Would you ever get that rock? slap her some skin hug her goodbye and surprise her with a? Hey girl BTW Do you mind doing me the honor of ...............................
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