Well today has been another day in the chapter of my life. How many stories have we heard that begin like this? How many movie quotes sound similar to that?
well today I was listeing to some interesting stories over the radio. One of a 80 year old man, whom in order to find company opened his house to prostitutes. The whole story before you jump out your seat to bash the poor man, starts out in of course his town, he is a war veteran and a retiree. His house is located in the lower east side. A place which a few blocks from it is a hot spot for prostitutes and avod drug users. His house was constantly being broken into, nothing eve stolen because he had nothing worth stealing just a large rare book collection. this man decided to open the doors to some hookers in order for them to stay out of the cold. This started a "beautifull" friendship. They never stop coming over infact they never stop coming. In the end ew learn that he just wanted company but didnt want to leave his independence, to a nursing home or to his sister in florida. The house in chambles this man continued living there. in uncomfort he found comfort. His house got so bad he stopped going to his 2nd floor because it was so dirtty, yet more and more hookers came in with "johns" and drugs and did their business upthere. He didnt want that imagery in his mind so he stopped going. whats the point to me telling you this story which ends up in him having the city of N.Y. condeming the house getting him out and into a hospital. Is how comfortable he allowed himself to get in the midst of pure trash, not the hooker sin themselves but them in his atmosphere. not only that, but to seek a way out of solitude he allowed himself to befriend such wretched people. Yes I know they are himans too and they have feelings and hopes. But is this what he had to resort to in order to escape solitude. teh man never married. I then tirn the page of my thought and look at my self. How comfortable I allow myself to get in sutuations, that I never really push myself out of them. Out of not having the job I want out of not making enough money to pay all my bills. I then thought about my solitude. Lets work past the weather I am lonely and lone bit, because I know the difference and this isnt about that. Its more about my feelings. Where have my feelinsg come that I just fall for what ever woman may come by. I compared myself to this man as how he befriend whoever came by. Do I fall for a woman for her looks or for who she is inside. I have meet many many woman that have caused my eyes to look twice, because I cant belive of how beautifull she truly is, when in reality not many people find them sttarctive. but then I have meet many many woman whom I find attractive and have been nothing but headaches in my life. I can never have the best of both worlds, but then I can never unerstand having to be attarctive to someone and at the same time be with them because you can stand the,. you know what I mean? Today I passed with a friend of mine by a place where I though someone worked. ....inside I saw this guy kissing and higging this girl. This girl resembled someone in particular, and my heart dropped. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I keep snaking a peek, until I realize t wasn't her. I thne realize that I have some pondering to be doing...DO women ever like someone for their looks or just their character. or their manlyness?
What purpose does a man pursue in order to attarct, and what comfort have ai fallen myself into that my heart continues to follow after someone who doesnt appreciate who I am or what I have done. What lowered standards do I follow. Must I raise my standards? or should I just learn to accept that I have been placed under a spell. a spell tat may never be broken, a spell that could just drive me to madness and a secluded life. Another story I heard today also got me thinking. Teh boy pretty much gotint college and half way thru the semester he stop gong to class just worked and smoked weed. moved out with hi s gf and lived in this place called crisco. longs tory short it was until he was almost raped and a hirricane hit his place that he realized that he threw so much away. Not only that what was he going to do next. I related to this on one thing and one thing only.....What am I going to do next. Im no where. no Im not going to be raped and no my place hasnt been hit by a hurricane, But my career has been raped by my laziness, and my cash hits a hurricane everytime I have to pay a bill. What is my nest move going to be., When will I stop living comfortable? What will need to happen in order for me to make that step in my life that will get me out of this rubbish life.
Has it happened already? was my listening to these stories God's way of telling ,e shape up? I dont knwo I dont knwo where I am going to be tomorrow and I Dont know how am I ever going to find someoen who will want to be with me and love me......I know something must be done and my standards must be raised and my life needs to get of the bed, and get to work. ... I still havent said whats in my mind...but more will come tomorrow, fo rnow I havew to get to bed.....If you are reading this....I am glad I didnt held my breath for you but at the same time My face is turning blue .......

(originally written on Saturday, February 03, 2007)