Well then?

Sometimes I wonder what is my purpose here in life. Why are the odds against me, or why do I think that they are, am I in the wrong part of the world, or was I born in the wrong time? Am I ahead of my time or do I not belong in any of the times? I ask Him(God) what it is, but he has yet to get back to me on that. I don't know. I don't know what is up or down any more. I feel like I'm in limbo and don't have anywhere to go. If I go left its the same thing and if I go right its the same thing. Its the same in any direction I go. So where too? Why am I the way I am and is there any benefit to my character and behavior? Do I need a benefit( no I really don't) can I be the way I am without asking for anything in return? Can I be accepted how I am (odd) without any expectations?
Are people expecting much from me or anything at all? Why are my actions questioned? Or do people need to question them to feel human and or in control, is it their lack of trust or their failure to see who is before them? Does this make me unique? Does it make me one in a whole? Or am I just like everyone else who is trying to figure out this world? Then if that is the case why are there people who are willing to cut each others throat to gain a goal? Rome was not built with the people killing each other. No! they worked together to built up their Utopian world with their thought of just and rule. I am trying to build the same things, but they are questioned, ridiculed and thought less off. People can be cruel but to what benefit to them is their cruelty worth? I often wonder how much would I gain if I was the opposite of who I am now. Then again I also question were would I be if I was a different person. I often wonder what would become of me if I just acted out on my anger! If I would just say EVERYTHING that is in my head, will people respect me ? will they be sicken by me? will they reject me? Will they love me? Will this make me stay in my limbo alone..People hate being lonely yet they usually jump the gun to the first moment they have to abandon their loneliness and be with someone. Then they wished they never have. I often wonder why haven't I jumped that gun? Well I know why, but then again it contradicts me as well. Am I loosing my mind or just become more intolerable? When they look at me what do they think? what do they say? Do they just see a soul with holes or a contained mad man? Are they scare for either good or bad? Do they feel worried? Do they think that its an adventure that will be short live or that its not worth venturing into. Or do they think its not an adventure at all its just a waste of time?...I'm lost in my own train of thought and I must dismiss myself into slumber if that is what I can call it.
Good Night
--
Juan